purplesnake

yeah. let's stick with i can't believe i did that. simmering in guilt and a state of disbelief for a little over a week now, i'm still unsure if i've dealt with it or have simply skirted the issue.

i hate secrets. because i can't keep them.

purplesnake

so i just came back from a 2-day onboarding/orientation thing. spent the whole of the first day tailing the only cute guy. it felt weird cyberstalking him while he was in front of me, pretending to be texting for work. it's so dangerous now. you meet someone, they pull out their fone and suddenly, without blinking (or maybe you blink twice), you have things in common. strange things people do to get into other people's pants. saying our seeyah's earlier, he was calling me aaah mah filipino friend. or something that sounded irish.

and somewhere in the second day, while some ozzie dude was talking about risk, it dawned me. i did make the right choice. that was one of the goals of the thing, to determine if you did. and i did. i'm into these things now. i chose our group's presentation and choreo'd it (shane wrote the limerick. fun. ny.). and i sound like a 6 year old telling you what i did in school and the gold star i gave myself.

met other people too. session finsihed early today so i hung out with two other filipinas who were, technically, our clients (well, they use our app). after that, accidentally met up with a local guy from our floor, which actually isn't as sexy-stalkery as it sounds. made friends with one of the girls that got booted out of our floor to the far side of the island cuz our team was growing (sorry, run-on).

and that makes me sound like some alien.

i'm finally growing up. around 30ish days before 26, i am finally acting like a normal 16 year old that had a proper childhood.

26. shit. i. am. old.

purplesnake

because tonight was great.

i am tired. hello support.

sorry sa mga tinext ko.

bow.

AS IN BOOK OF WORK PUTANG INA ANG CORNY

purplesnake

it's been almost a week since i found out some really dismal work-related news. and i have been utterly depressed and slightly inconsolable(?) for 3 days now. the dismal news isn't really bad and sad but just the night before i heard that particular piece of information, i was finn-ing, i.e., making plans, and the news was... well, let's just say it slaps and guts my plans into something that resembles roadkill. it made me feel like nothing is worth it and hope and faith are tools for the uninformed. and that i really thought i was better than that. that i was above it. as i have said over and over, i had given up. my time has passed. but i had just started to dream again and now, no words are truer than the last thing from greys that i posted.

and then i hear some wonderful news about a friend who now has the position i declined to be here. and then another one from another person about another position that i declined to be here. and i feeeeeeellllllll shit.

i know i made this decision. i know i chose to be in the koi pond with the koi food and not be the shark in the big wild vast ocean with plankton. it's just that the chances for tuna back then was very very slim. and that's how far i can take the fish metaphor. thing is, i know now that i made the easy decision. to run away. i know now, i wasn't grabbing an opportunity, i was running from responsibility. and this makes me feel guilty because i really thought... it's like that scene where you're a spy and you kill someone and you realise you killed one of the good guys and you'd been working for the bad guys all along. and the whole fucking entire time you thought you were finally putting your psychopath-ness into good use. and so you drink and you wallow and you try to hang yourself but you fail at that too. and soon enough you accept it. that you made that decision and, puh-lease, you weren't that dumb not to actually know and subconsciously you knew each kill was for the bad guys.

...ok wait, i may have lost myself there.

my point is, i made my bed and now i am in it. can't fucking sleep for some reason and so i just lay and close my eyes. and try my hardest to cry myself to sleep. but i fail at that too.

purplesnake

it was amazing. i loved it so much. it was like the eccleston premiere + eccleston finale. stephen moffat is amazing. loved the new opening sequence.
LOVE the new tardis. and of course, LOVE LOVE LOVE matt smith. love him.

i cried, of course. it was like an extended version of madame d'pompadour with a happier less sad ending.

14 years since fish custard. amy pond, the girl who waited, you waited long enough.

you wanted to come 14 years ago. i grew up. i'll soon fix that.

also, the green sonic screwdriver. had. me. bawling.

and now for the emo stuff.

there are things you love so much (cue tennant), like soooo much (cue welly). then it ends or goes away or ripped from your soul (cue donna noble). and you're still alive (cue matthew goode in A Single Man). and you want to die. but you are chicken (cue tracy jordan).
so you just carry on with the sad life (cue amelia pond). you've given up (cue amelia pond as a nun) and has resigned to the sad, sad life (now as nurse then a copper). then the thing that replaces that thing that you lost (cue matt smith + martha jones with an X over her face), it's not so bad.
it's soo not bad that it's good. it's great. it's amazing. so i guess now... i'm moving on.

PROFESSOR RIVER SONG! AND THE MOTHERFUCKING ANGELS!

purplesnake

there's this thing that happens-- where death stops being scary. what starts being scary is hope, because it's not true. even if [they find a cure for cancer tomorrow], it's too late for me. hanging onto hope, it may make you feel better, but it just makes me feel alone.

cuz this is too emo for facebook and too deep for twitter

also, that shitty ending for how to train your dragon reminded me of a sra sidle quote.

what kind of system rewards the suspect when the victim is too tough to die?

it's not an exact match for the scene but really? the hero's reward is amputation? wow. life's such a gift.

all that negated by david tennant in the credit

purplesnake

made a dozen new friends this year. maybe a baker's dozen. idk, i didn't really count. but i did. i made new friends. i finally got into this circle. FOR A GUY.

shit.

you know how we sometimes think we're good? that when we're put in a position that requires it, we would exhibit bravery, chivalry, kindness, other shit. we have these thought-out scenarios, these plans on how we're going to do things, how things will turn out and where do we go from here.

i chickened out.

it wasn't me choosing to NOT do the brave thing, the good thing. it was me taking little steps in the wrong direction. and then suddenly, i didn't even realise i was lost, suddenly i wake up from being passed out. it's like one of those scenes where someone tells the druggie in this really important moment, don't do drugs; you don't want to miss this; this moment, when you look back you'd want to remember that you were there. now, every time i wake up, i look back and i kill myself for not being there. i still don't cut but i try ripping my own heart out cuz at least, then, the feeling wouldn't be imaginary.

so i'm trying, really hard, to get that moment back. or at least something remotely like it. so i can do the right thing, the brave thing. and also not to have to have my sister wash bits of vomit off my hair.

waiting on the doctor who finale. i haven' watched part1 cuz i wanna watch it whole. i am ready for matt. david got his hight point with TIMELORD VICTORIOUS and i'm not saying i don't like him anymore but, i think he's done everything now and matt looks fine. a month away from lost and a couple of weeks from 24 so we're looking really good.

i've been listening to the radio lately cuz it hasn't been that bad. i just can't stand to have those songs in my library so i'm sticking to these stations.

so anyway, for this year, let's just hope for less poorly made decisions!

purplesnake

On my own,
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.

I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending!
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!

*slushie face*

purplesnake

Why stay?

Why stay?
So steadfast and stolid
and stoic and solid
for day after every day

Why stay?

Why stay?
Why not simply give in
and get on with living
cause everyone knows you tried
but somehow, something died
on the way.
So tell me why you stay.

Why stay?

Why stay?
Enduring and coping
and hurting and hoping
for day after fucking
day

Why stay?

Why stay?
Why not simply end it?
We'd all comprehend it
and most of the world would say
"He's better off that way,
to be free,

and maybe so is she.

-------------

A promise a boy says forever.
A boy says whatever may come will come through
and who can know how;
when all I know now to be true,
is this promise that I made to you.

A question a boy wonders whether
that you'd stay
together the way
that they stay,
for year after year
for love or from fear.
Either way,
that's the promise that I made that day.

Here's what I say to the girl who was burning so brightly
like the light from Orion above.
And still I will search for her nightly,
if you see her please send her my love.
And the boy was a boy for all seasons!
That boy is long lost to me now
and the man has forgotten his reasons...

But the man still remembers his vow.

A promise a man says forever.
A man says I'll never regret or let you.
The promise I made to stay and I stay true.

Knowing one day we'd remember that joy,
you'd remember that girl,
I'd remember that boy.
Till we do,
the promise I made?
I'll make it brand new,
the promise that I made to you.